Mind-Fucked

I’ve been struggling with my sexuality lately even though I always say, “I’m bisexual and I’m accepting of my sexuality.” I thought really hard about my sexuality tonight and realized that I don’t know if I’m bisexual or gay anymore. On top of that, even though I’m out of the closet, I still tend to hide my sexuality from certain people. There have been a couple of times where I have written blog posts on my Myspace about my sexuality and whatnot, but deleted the posts five minutes later, out of fear of what these certain people might think about it. I came out on Myspace last year so I no longer had to live a double life and have that fear of people finding out that I’m bisexual, so it seemed a lot easier to just let everyone know, rather than hiding behind something and being fearful for the most part. I’m out now, so there is no sense in hiding halfway in the closet. That’s something I’m going to change really soon.

The funny part is, I don’t care if I’m bisexual or gay. Even though certain peoples opinions matter to me that were once a part of my life or are currently a part of my life, it’s not enough to make me wish that I was straight like I did when I was much younger. I’m more worried about knowing if I’m bisexual or gay, which is funny because most people dealing with their sexuality are trying to find out if they’re straight or gay. I still want to say that I’m bisexual, because I’ve had loving and lasting relationships with girls in the past, which leads me to believe that I’m bisexual. On the other hand, I don’t think about women in a romantic or sexual way anymore. All of my fantasies are about men. When I think about being held or holding someone, it’s always a male.

I have never been in a romantic or sexual relationship with a guy, but I really want to. I have had many sexual experiences with a couple of my guy friends, but that was just my friends and I going through our young teenage curiosity stages in my opinion. Well, I did fall in love with one of my best friends. We fooled around for a while and had this strange attraction with each other, but it wasn’t a relationship and he ended up saying he was straight and taking off on me. I think about being with a guy romantically and sexually  all of the time, to the point where it drives me crazy and makes me feel lonely. I want to hold a guy, make love to a guy, and spend my time with a guy. I want all of that good stuff with a guy.

What I want the most is to know if I’m bisexual or gay. I’m willing to accept either of them. I just want to know so I can avoid all of the confusion and know where my place is. I would hate to get romantiacally involved with a girl right now to only find out later on in the relationship that I’m gay. I know all the signs are pointing towards me being gay, but maybe the thoughts of guys are more prominent right now because that’s still a major part of me that I haven’t touched much on yet. I think the only way to truly know is to be in a honest and loving relationship with a guy. For now, I’m going to put girls on the back burner and focus more on finding a boyfriend.

Yolanda brought egg rolls with her to class today and she wanted me to try them during lunch. My father gave me five dollars for lunch and I planned on buying something from Mott’s food court. Well, I was going to take my own lunch to class, but my dad went to the grocery store before he came home from work yesterday, so I didn’t get the chance to get the food that I wanted. Anyways, I know she brought them in for us to eat for lunch, but I still wanted to buy a lunch because I knew I wasn’t going to like her egg rolls all that much, so I bought two big slices of pizza. I’m glad I bought myself some pizza, because I didn’t like her egg rolls all that much. It’s not that they were nasty, but it’s not the kind of food I would normally eat. She gave me two to take home, but I threw them away when I got home, because they were sitting in my book bag all day and I didn’t like them all that much.

Last Friday this woman from my class brought in some jewelry that she made and she was selling them. All of them looked kind of looked girly, so I asked her if she would make me a bracelet made out of hemp and she said she would. She brought it with her today, but I totally forgot she was bringing it today and I didn’t have three dollars on me. She gave it to me anyways, but I’m going to give her three dollars on Wednesday. I actually really like it and I see these kind of bracelets at American Eagle for thirteen dollars all of the time, but I’m not spending that much money on a bracelet. So it was a pretty good deal and you can’t beat hand made stuff.

Sorry about the poor quality. My mother took her digital camera with her, so I had to take it with my webcam.

I watched the movie The Object of My Affection the other day. Jennifer Aniston and Paul Rudd played the lead roles in the movie. I realized that I really like Jennifer Aniston and she’s a great actor. Come to think of it, I like her in just about every movie I’ve watched with her in it. Paul Rudd played a gay man in this movie, which really got me excited. I think that the last time I watched a movie he was in, I thought, “I wished he played a gay role in a movie just to make me happy!” Well, I didn’t know he did until it was on TV. There is something about him that inspires me, but at the same time I’m so attracted to him. Every time I see him in a movie I get all bright eyed. Ha Ha. Anyways, I thought I would share my obsession for Paul Rudd. I’m actually not caught up on many male actors like this.

Some people believe that our path in life is already paved out for us, but that’s something that I’ve never really believed. I believe that not everything in our life happens for a reason in the same sense, but everything good and bad that happens in our life is to teach us life lessons to grow and mature (for most of us anyways). I also believe that our life is not set in stone for us, but rather our life plays out by the choices we make each day. Even the small choices can have a major effect on our lives.

People also tend to be caught up on trying to be perfect, making sure that mistakes don’t happen in their life. Well, I happen to think that it’s the mistakes and bad things that have happened in our life that gives us the knowledge and strength to handle what’s to come. In a sense, that’s why we always hear that famous quote from someone who’s most likely older than us, “I’ve lived a long life, I know a little more about life than you.” But I also agree that some older people can be just as clueless about life. I used to be one of those people that tried to achieve perfection, but only to find out later that not everything is going to happen as planned and nothing in life will be perfect.

In the end, is our money, house, and appearance what matters? On the other hand, is it what you have achieved and learned from the life that you’re living? I might never have a lot of money, a beautiful home, and I might not look like a male model, but I don’t think any of that will make me the person that I am today and later on down the road. Life can be misleading, but it’s not that bad when you get a hold of what’s real.

There is one thing that I did learn and I learned it the hard way, though. I learned to be more of myself rather than trying to be something that everybody would like. I think at one point we all mold ourselves to try to find that place we fit in. I never really found one certain place where I fit in, but learned that I fit in just about everywhere by being myself. And of course, you’ll always have people who don’t like you for who you are or your opinions, but that doesn’t mean you should change yourself for that person. I’m now making my own choices rather than being influenced to be something I never truly was. I can honestly say that it feels good to know when people like me, they like me for who I am. I don’t think I’ll ever become fake or worry about materialistic things now or in my future.